24. Amazon Reviews

On this episode we have set out to find the funniest reviews on the internet. Too many people spend a lot of time writing reviews for us to not honor them.  We go over sugar free gummy bears, a shirt with THREE wolves on it, and much more. If you love a good diatribe about menial things, this is the episode for you! We hope you enjoy.

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Transcript

[HighVisCullen]: 0:10

Would you like to intro the podcast, Daniel?

[HighVisDan]: 0:12

Yeah, that had a five up for like a solid 10 seconds. They

[HighVisCaden]: 0:17

Are we

[HighVisDan]: 0:17

didn't

[HighVisCullen]: 0:17

Oh,

[HighVisCaden]: 0:17

live?

[HighVisCullen]: 0:17

so

[HighVisDan]: 0:17

count

[HighVisCullen]: 0:17

your

[HighVisDan]: 0:17

down.

[HighVisCullen]: 0:17

Internet's bad. Yes, we're live.

[HighVisCaden]: 0:20

Fuck

[HighVisCullen]: 0:20

Maybe

[HighVisCaden]: 0:20

it, we'll

[HighVisCullen]: 0:20

the

[HighVisCaden]: 0:20

do

[HighVisCullen]: 0:20

whole

[HighVisCaden]: 0:20

it

[HighVisCullen]: 0:20

thing

[HighVisCaden]: 0:20

live.

[HighVisCullen]: 0:21

is just messing up. Yeah, I can cut it out. It's fine. Go, Dan, go.

[HighVisDan]: 0:25

All right. Hello and welcome to the Highly Visible Podcast. My name is Dan. I'm here with Cullen.

[HighVisCullen]: 0:33

Hello.

[HighVisDan]: 0:34

And Kaiden.

[HighVisCaden]: 0:36

What's up?

[HighVisDan]: 0:38

And today we're going over some, uh, wacky way to waving inflatable alarm flailing Amazon reviews that just aren't right or that we've found comical. They may have anything they, well, actually only two of us came prepared to this, uh, shoot out here.

[HighVisCullen]: 0:56

Listen, I got the next episode. It's fine, but feel like you should elaborate. What we're going to do here is we're, uh, we're going to see what the nitwits of the internet, uh, have to say about products that we use. I don't know if it's all products that you guys use. That's just how I interpreted it. I was going to like Google something that I use every day and then just kind of search through the reviews until I found a funny one, cause I feel like. Way too many people waste their time writing reviews about stuff that does not need to be reviewed, like... Hawaiian punch packets.

[HighVisDan]: 1:35

Hot take.

[HighVisCullen]: 1:36

Good talk.

[HighVisCaden]: 1:37

Listen bud,

[HighVisCullen]: 1:38

Excellent.

[HighVisCaden]: 1:38

Hawaiian punch packets are a necessity.

[HighVisDan]: 1:41

That's right.

[HighVisCullen]: 1:41

They're so good.

[HighVisDan]: 1:42

We need to know the delivery of flavor per brand.

[HighVisCullen]: 1:48

I'm gonna go ahead and just review that on Amazon after this be like so good. That's it.

[HighVisCaden]: 1:53

Mm-hmm. You guys

[HighVisDan]: 1:54

So

[HighVisCaden]: 1:54

want me

[HighVisDan]: 1:54

good.

[HighVisCaden]: 1:54

to start off with

[HighVisDan]: 1:56

Yeah.

[HighVisCaden]: 1:56

a funny one?

[HighVisDan]: 1:58

Kick us off to what you've got.

[HighVisCaden]: 2:00

Well, I read this review years and years and years ago, but I was unable to find the actual review. I found a quote from the review though. Have you guys ever indulged in Haribo's sugar-free gummy bears?

[HighVisDan]: 2:17

No.

[HighVisCullen]: 2:17

I don't even like the ones with sugar in them, so...

[HighVisCaden]: 2:21

Well this gentleman, I believe he ate the entire one pound bag of the sugar free gummy bears and his review was titled, Just Don't Unless It's a Gift for Someone You Hate.

[HighVisCullen]: 2:36

Thanks.

[HighVisCaden]: 2:36

I remember him, you know, talking about sitting on the toilet and like, I just writhing in pain and okay. So the quote is what came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid, flammable liquid napalm. End quote.

[HighVisCullen]: 3:11

As that fake sugar man it gets you, you know, you won't be able to contain your bowels anymore.

[HighVisCaden]: 3:16

but like to feel like the funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw.

[HighVisDan]: 3:24

That's something that's a

[HighVisCullen]: 3:26

We've all

[HighVisDan]: 3:26

that's

[HighVisCullen]: 3:26

been

[HighVisDan]: 3:27

a

[HighVisCullen]: 3:27

there.

[HighVisDan]: 3:27

description. Jesus.

[HighVisCullen]: 3:30

That's what B-Dubz does to me, as referenced on last episode.

[HighVisCaden]: 3:36

this.

[HighVisDan]: 3:38

agri falls and a coffee

[HighVisCullen]: 3:39

Oh,

[HighVisDan]: 3:39

straw.

[HighVisCullen]: 3:39

speaking of,

[HighVisCaden]: 3:40

them little

[HighVisCullen]: 3:41

speaking

[HighVisCaden]: 3:41

demon

[HighVisCullen]: 3:41

of.

[HighVisCaden]: 3:41

bears. What?

[HighVisCullen]: 3:45

Uh, last episode, you know, Dan and his terrible list, choosing general sews and orange chicken, uh, I had beat ups on Saturday night and I tried the general sews.

[HighVisDan]: 3:56

Say some blasphemy.

[HighVisCullen]: 3:58

It was not great. It

[HighVisDan]: 4:00

your

[HighVisCullen]: 4:00

also just didn't really taste like general sows.

[HighVisDan]: 4:03

You're not great. That's not great. That's

[HighVisCaden]: 4:05

Ahem.

[HighVisDan]: 4:05

not good.

[HighVisCullen]: 4:05

Yeah, have you tried it yet? Stupid.

[HighVisDan]: 4:07

No.

[HighVisCullen]: 4:07

Are you just talking? Okay, that's what I thought. That wasn't good. I would, I mean, I would recommend getting it since you like general so much, but just didn't taste like it was fine. It just didn't taste like general says.

[HighVisDan]: 4:20

Well, that would defeat the purpose of it didn't taste, you know, if it didn't have the right, like, yeah, flavor to it.

[HighVisCullen]: 4:28

Poor guy.

[HighVisDan]: 4:29

No good.

[HighVisCaden]: 4:30

Really

[HighVisCullen]: 4:30

That's

[HighVisCaden]: 4:30

one

[HighVisCullen]: 4:30

my

[HighVisCaden]: 4:30

place.

[HighVisDan]: 4:30

I'll

[HighVisCullen]: 4:30

review

[HighVisDan]: 4:30

uh, I'll

[HighVisCullen]: 4:31

of your fucking wings.

[HighVisDan]: 4:32

have to call corporate.

[HighVisCaden]: 4:34

There's only one spot I get journalists that is that. That's the one they ate the Chinese restaurant beside our mall.

[HighVisDan]: 4:41

Yeah, yeah,

[HighVisCaden]: 4:43

Yeah.

[HighVisDan]: 4:43

the shell of Ormal.

[HighVisCaden]: 4:45

Yes. The skeleton of what used to be great about Marion.

[HighVisDan]: 4:52

Yeah.

[HighVisCullen]: 4:53

aww he said it

[HighVisCaden]: 4:54

Yeah, I just fucked myself.

[HighVisCullen]: 4:56

All Andy

[HighVisDan]: 4:57

You

[HighVisCullen]: 4:57

Custin

[HighVisDan]: 4:57

just.

[HighVisCullen]: 4:57

the first five minutes.

[HighVisCaden]: 4:59

You all right?

[HighVisCullen]: 5:02

Uh, I feel like it'd be more concerning if your local mall was still thriving. Like, there must be like a robust community of people that need to launder money.

[HighVisDan]: 5:14

I don't

[HighVisCullen]: 5:14

So just

[HighVisDan]: 5:14

know,

[HighVisCullen]: 5:14

watch

[HighVisDan]: 5:14

there's

[HighVisCullen]: 5:14

out for

[HighVisDan]: 5:15

like...

[HighVisCullen]: 5:15

crime if your local mall is still bustling.

[HighVisDan]: 5:17

Crap! Marysville? What?

[HighVisCaden]: 5:22

But like,

[HighVisCullen]: 5:23

Good

[HighVisCaden]: 5:23

when

[HighVisCullen]: 5:23

point,

[HighVisCaden]: 5:23

you think

[HighVisCullen]: 5:23

Daniel.

[HighVisCaden]: 5:23

that

[HighVisCullen]: 5:24

Yes,

[HighVisCaden]: 5:24

a mall that's

[HighVisCullen]: 5:25

Marysville.

[HighVisCaden]: 5:25

bustling would mean like a good economy

[HighVisCullen]: 5:26

Good job.

[HighVisCaden]: 5:27

or no.

[HighVisCullen]: 5:28

No, what I'm saying

[HighVisDan]: 5:29

What?

[HighVisCullen]: 5:29

is if your mall is robust and bustling, then there's probably a lot of people that need to launder money because no one goes to malls.

[HighVisCaden]: 5:38

Oh, uh,

[HighVisDan]: 5:38

Not

[HighVisCaden]: 5:38

ever

[HighVisDan]: 5:38

true.

[HighVisCaden]: 5:38

been inside the

[HighVisDan]: 5:39

Polaris

[HighVisCaden]: 5:39

Polaris model?

[HighVisDan]: 5:39

and...

[HighVisCaden]: 5:40

Like.

[HighVisDan]: 5:40

Easton? Yeah.

[HighVisCullen]: 5:43

I think I heard Polaris is like dead now. That's what I heard. But

[HighVisCaden]: 5:49

I know

[HighVisCullen]: 5:49

no,

[HighVisCaden]: 5:49

they close

[HighVisCullen]: 5:49

I went

[HighVisCaden]: 5:50

at

[HighVisCullen]: 5:50

to

[HighVisDan]: 5:50

person

[HighVisCaden]: 5:50

like,

[HighVisCullen]: 5:50

Easton the

[HighVisDan]: 5:50

you.

[HighVisCullen]: 5:50

other day, Easton

[HighVisCaden]: 5:50

like

[HighVisCullen]: 5:51

was poppin'.

[HighVisCaden]: 5:51

nine o'clock though, too. Like what? Yeah, weird.

[HighVisCullen]: 6:00

Frequent mall go or Kaden stuck

[HighVisCaden]: 6:03

Yeah.

[HighVisCullen]: 6:03

in the 1990s Kaden.

[HighVisCaden]: 6:05

Yes. I was born that, that decade. So.

[HighVisCullen]: 6:15

How do we want to do this? We want to keep... I'm assuming all of Cadence were from that based off of the other one I received.

[HighVisCaden]: 6:20

Yeah, I have a bunch of small quotes from reviews. This one is titled Be Sure to Buy OxiClean to. Be sure to also buy a tub of oxy clean with this to get the blood and diarrhea stains under where clothes, furniture, pets, loved ones, ceiling fans. When I first

[HighVisDan]: 6:40

You know

[HighVisCullen]: 6:40

Jesus.

[HighVisCaden]: 6:41

saw

[HighVisDan]: 6:41

a product's

[HighVisCaden]: 6:41

that...

[HighVisDan]: 6:41

great.

[HighVisCaden]: 6:43

Like when I first seen it the first thing I thought was Chipotle way

[HighVisCullen]: 6:49

Yep, that's

[HighVisCaden]: 6:49

to

[HighVisCullen]: 6:49

the first time I've

[HighVisCaden]: 6:50

bloodstains

[HighVisCullen]: 6:50

listened to that.

[HighVisCaden]: 6:50

and your underwear still love eating Chipotle and Chipotle ways the answer.

[HighVisCullen]: 6:58

And

[HighVisCaden]: 6:58

Um,

[HighVisCullen]: 6:58

these are for gummy bears.

[HighVisCaden]: 7:00

these are for sugar free gummy bears.

[HighVisCullen]: 7:02

I kinda wanna try them now, just, I'm gonna, like, wanna tempt fate.

[HighVisCaden]: 7:07

This one

[HighVisDan]: 7:07

It probably

[HighVisCaden]: 7:07

says,

[HighVisDan]: 7:08

depends on the amount you eat.

[HighVisCullen]: 7:09

We are on a diet.

[HighVisCaden]: 7:11

is true.

[HighVisCullen]: 7:12

makes me shit my entire intestines out I'll probably

[HighVisCaden]: 7:14

Well,

[HighVisCullen]: 7:14

lose a few pounds

[HighVisCaden]: 7:15

here you go.

[HighVisDan]: 7:16

It's true.

[HighVisCaden]: 7:16

This one said it's all true. Oh my God. Everything previously written is true. It's all true. Don't eat more than 15 in a sitting unless you're trying to power wash your intestines.

[HighVisCullen]: 7:28

I think I'm gonna get some of these. Report. Oh, oh, highly tasty.

[HighVisCaden]: 7:35

Yeah,

[HighVisCullen]: 7:35

Oh

[HighVisCaden]: 7:35

I just.

[HighVisCullen]: 7:35

yes, we each have to eat 25.

[HighVisCaden]: 7:38

Exactly.

[HighVisDan]: 7:38

25

[HighVisCullen]: 7:40

Report

[HighVisDan]: 7:40

and then sit

[HighVisCullen]: 7:40

back

[HighVisDan]: 7:40

for an

[HighVisCullen]: 7:41

an

[HighVisDan]: 7:41

hour

[HighVisCullen]: 7:41

hour later.

[HighVisCaden]: 7:43

Um, this

[HighVisCullen]: 7:44

That's

[HighVisCaden]: 7:44

one's called

[HighVisCullen]: 7:44

amazing.

[HighVisCaden]: 7:45

fully weaponized gummy bears. The cramping started about an hour later and soon enough I was, I was as bloated as the balloon and Macy's Thanksgiving day parade. When the runway started, I sprinted down the hallway and made it to the bathroom just in time for the hour for the, for the four horsemen of the apocalypse to stampede from my backside, laying waste to my home septic

[HighVisCullen]: 8:08

Thanks.

[HighVisCaden]: 8:08

system and my will to live. After three hours of pelvis shaking, gummy bear assault,

[HighVisDan]: 8:15

Peace.

[HighVisCaden]: 8:15

I was spongy and weak, surprised that I had any bones left. I cursed Haribo with the little strength I could muster. We have to try

[HighVisCullen]: 8:26

Oh my

[HighVisCaden]: 8:26

these

[HighVisCullen]: 8:26

god.

[HighVisCaden]: 8:26

things.

[HighVisCullen]: 8:27

I have

[HighVisCaden]: 8:27

We

[HighVisDan]: 8:27

we

[HighVisCaden]: 8:27

have

[HighVisDan]: 8:27

have

[HighVisCullen]: 8:27

to

[HighVisCaden]: 8:28

to

[HighVisCullen]: 8:28

do

[HighVisCaden]: 8:28

try

[HighVisDan]: 8:28

to.

[HighVisCaden]: 8:28

them.

[HighVisCullen]: 8:28

that. That 100%

[HighVisDan]: 8:29

It has been

[HighVisCullen]: 8:29

has

[HighVisDan]: 8:29

foretold.

[HighVisCullen]: 8:29

to happen.

[HighVisCaden]: 8:31

I'd eat the whole

[HighVisDan]: 8:32

Jesus.

[HighVisCaden]: 8:32

bag, just to see.

[HighVisCullen]: 8:33

Can you just imagine us all just fucking... Texting each other from the bathroom for like two hours like, This sucks so bad! Why didn't we listen?

[HighVisCaden]: 8:43

Yeah, imagine just shitting

[HighVisDan]: 8:45

We'd have to

[HighVisCaden]: 8:45

napalm.

[HighVisDan]: 8:45

get on there. We'd have to get down

[HighVisCullen]: 8:50

I feel

[HighVisDan]: 8:50

there

[HighVisCullen]: 8:50

like

[HighVisDan]: 8:50

under

[HighVisCullen]: 8:51

this

[HighVisDan]: 8:51

the.

[HighVisCullen]: 8:51

makes me want to read that long one.

[HighVisCaden]: 8:53

That one's pretty

[HighVisDan]: 8:54

the

[HighVisCaden]: 8:54

good,

[HighVisDan]: 8:54

entire

[HighVisCaden]: 8:54

yeah.

[HighVisDan]: 8:55

day.

[HighVisCaden]: 8:58

If

[HighVisCullen]: 8:58

so

[HighVisCaden]: 8:58

you don't

[HighVisCullen]: 8:58

long.

[HighVisCaden]: 8:58

wanna...

[HighVisCullen]: 8:59

I think I could probably get it done in like five minutes. Maybe

[HighVisCaden]: 9:02

Or if you

[HighVisCullen]: 9:02

less.

[HighVisCaden]: 9:02

don't want to

[HighVisCullen]: 9:03

Maybe

[HighVisCaden]: 9:03

read it,

[HighVisCullen]: 9:03

less.

[HighVisCaden]: 9:04

you can give a summation of it.

[HighVisCullen]: 9:07

I haven't read it before, so it would be pretty hard to summarize. Okay. So I'm going to summarize it without reading it. Um, the dude eats a bunch of these and he regrets it.

[HighVisCaden]: 9:18

Yes.

[HighVisCullen]: 9:20

I'll read it. Why not? We got time. Amazon review from Luke. See you in hell, Haribo sugar-free gummy bears. It was my last class of the semester and the final exam was worth 30% of our grade. After a late night study session, I felt confident, but I had to decide between sleeping in or cooking breakfast. My eyelids chose sleep. My stomach later regretted this decision and after several uncomfortable stomach growls, I finally decided to make a quick stop by the campus bookstore and grab a snack before my test. Since the semester was ending and everyone was going home for the summer, a lot of items were on sale, including the snacks and candy that they kept up front. Being in the hungry state that I was in, it felt only logical to pick up the largest yet least expensive candy in order to get more bang for my buck. And there they sat. Two bags of Haribo sugar-free gummy bears. Buy one, get one free. What a deal, I thought naively. I would eat one bag before my test and one bag afterwards. As I walked to class, I gleefully chewed on one of those abominable little bastards, unaware of my utter mayhem that would soon unleash upon my poor, poor anus. I sat down at my desk as the professor informed us that, due to issues with cheating in the past, restroom breaks would be prohibited until the completion of the exam. I'll give you ten minutes to use the restroom now. This will be your last chance, any takers." The demon bears hadn't released their unholy necromancy upon my stomach yet, so in the moment of ignorant foolishness, I remained seated, still munching on those miniature bear-shaped bombs. After the students' wise enough to take the professor's offer, I had returned. The professor handed out the test. I was six questions in when it happened. It started subtly at first, almost like a slightly tingling sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it, assuming my intestines were just doing their thing. Little did I know that my intestines were trying desperately to warn me of the horror that was on the horizon. By question nine, it happened again. But this time it was followed by a sharp pain as if those infernal hellions had orchestrated attack upon my colon. I fought to contain the groan that tried escaping my lips. It was at this point I began to panic. Something was going horribly wrong. And I needed to get through this test before it got any worse. By question 14, my worst fear was upon me. The Satan Bear's burning hot, liquidy dark magic crashed against my anal sphincter like a tidal wave. I was able to close the hatch just in time, but those relentless toxic bears beat against it like orcs breaking down the doors of Helm's Deep. I knew I wouldn't be able to so much as shift in my seat without risking a breach. I kept fighting through my exam, clenching my cheeks with all my might. Feets of sweat began rolling down my neck. Suddenly a loud gurgling war cry came from my belly and the entire class lifted their head. At this point nothing mattered except expelling this ungodly presence from my bowels. With 15 questions left I promptly wrote C for every answer and ran out of the classroom. My professor yelled something, but I was too preoccupied with the volcanic eruption that needed to take place before I could find sweet relief. I burst into the restroom like the Kool-Aid man and behold the handicapped stall was empty. Sun rays from the adjacent window shone upon it as if it were a gift from God himself. Took me less than five seconds to undo my belt buckle but pulled down my pants and finally relaxed my weary buttocks upon the toilet seat. It took absolutely no effort to expel the steam and almost immediately the floodgates of hell were opened and dammed. The damned liquefied souls of an entire bag's worth of gummy bears cried as they burned through my sphincter and into the watery abyss below. I had never felt such simultaneous relief and anguish in my life. After 30 more minutes of this, I immediately went home, dug a hole in my backyard, and burned the remaining bag of gummy bears. I leave with this. Do not, I repeat, do not eat these spawns of Satan. Not only did they cause me to fail my final test, but the anguish I experienced is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. The only place these godforsaken hell bears belong are buried deep below the earth's surface. That was amazing.

[HighVisDan]: 13:29

That was...

[HighVisCaden]: 13:31

We got to eat them.

[HighVisCullen]: 13:33

That was

[HighVisCaden]: 13:34

Got

[HighVisCullen]: 13:34

Dan.

[HighVisCaden]: 13:34

to.

[HighVisDan]: 13:34

I think. I think we have to. Jesus.

[HighVisCullen]: 13:42

Did you read? Did you hear the last paragraph? Do not eat these spawns of Satan.

[HighVisDan]: 13:48

That just,

[HighVisCullen]: 13:48

I don't know.

[HighVisDan]: 13:49

that's like telling somebody not to press the red button. You have to press the red button.

[HighVisCullen]: 13:55

This man thought so strongly of these gummy bears that he needed to warn us with a 14 paragraph letter. And you think we should eat some.

[HighVisDan]: 14:06

Yes.

[HighVisCaden]: 14:06

Hell yeah, we should eat some.

[HighVisDan]: 14:08

They still make Ouija boards. You think people ain't learned their lesson?

[HighVisCullen]: 14:12

No. We'd all be quite sad if they did because then, like, what would we watch?

[HighVisDan]: 14:21

We didn't get to see our neighbor being possessed. What the hell would we do with ourselves?

[HighVisCaden]: 14:27

Play UNO or something.

[HighVisDan]: 14:29

Yeah, like nerds.

[HighVisCullen]: 14:30

Have family time, ew. Gross.

[HighVisDan]: 14:34

Ew. I got a giant Ouija carpet and got a Roomba.

[HighVisCullen]: 14:44

Boo! Alright, Dan, you got anything? Or do we need anything else we have to say about those gummy bears?

[HighVisCaden]: 14:58

Good.

[HighVisCullen]: 15:00

Okay?

[HighVisDan]: 15:00

Okay.

[HighVisCaden]: 15:00

much cover the

[HighVisDan]: 15:01

Fucking

[HighVisCaden]: 15:01

gummy bears.

[HighVisDan]: 15:03

yeah, that

[HighVisCullen]: 15:03

Yeah,

[HighVisDan]: 15:03

was,

[HighVisCullen]: 15:03

I'd say

[HighVisDan]: 15:04

that

[HighVisCullen]: 15:04

so.

[HighVisDan]: 15:04

was elaborate. That was

[HighVisCullen]: 15:07

Alright Dan, you're up to bat then. Let's

[HighVisDan]: 15:10

Okay.

[HighVisCullen]: 15:10

do it.

[HighVisDan]: 15:10

Well, our local fair, and it's just what makes me think of it. Uh, the, our local fair always at least used to sell those like really bad looking shirts that all these people who basically think they live their life in an anime, uh, would buy and wear them and they thought they were hot shit.

[HighVisCullen]: 15:34

or like air sprayed shirts that we're talking about.

[HighVisDan]: 15:37

Oh no, no. It just, it's so

[HighVisCullen]: 15:39

Cool.

[HighVisDan]: 15:40

the shirt itself is a picture of three wolves howling at the moon, which if you have a wolf on your shirt as an adult human being.

[HighVisCullen]: 15:52

What, you don't fucks with wolves like that?

[HighVisDan]: 15:54

Yeah, I mean, they're real cool, man, but only people who wear sandals and socks, cargo shorts, and go to Walmart, religiously, in just that attire, or the kind of wear. And this post about this shirt, it's the reason why I found it, or the reason why I wanted to read it, is because it's just, it's exactly the type. It's perfect. Now, buckle up, gentlemen, because this shirt doesn't just have one wolf. Barking at the moon or bar howling. Excuse me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry

[HighVisCullen]: 16:26

Wolf,

[HighVisDan]: 16:26

all the fucking

[HighVisCullen]: 16:27

Wolf Moon, Wolf,

[HighVisDan]: 16:28

Yeah, all wolfing at

[HighVisCullen]: 16:29

what

[HighVisDan]: 16:30

the moons

[HighVisCullen]: 16:30

doing?

[HighVisDan]: 16:31

There's three of them There's three. Okay. You're not ready for this. This bad assness. I don't know who, whoever you are that bought this, please, for the love of God, spare the rest of us when you take over. Now.

[HighVisCullen]: 16:50

Are you stalling for time right now?

[HighVisDan]: 16:53

No, no, I'm just...

[HighVisCullen]: 16:56

It's really an awful lot of build up for a review about a shirt.

[HighVisDan]: 16:59

Uh, but the shirt. Did you not hear that there are three wolves

[HighVisCullen]: 17:03

I

[HighVisDan]: 17:03

on

[HighVisCullen]: 17:03

heard

[HighVisDan]: 17:03

this shirt?

[HighVisCullen]: 17:03

three. Three. Three wolves. I got it. Got

[HighVisDan]: 17:06

You

[HighVisCullen]: 17:06

your

[HighVisDan]: 17:06

realize

[HighVisCullen]: 17:06

point.

[HighVisCaden]: 17:06

Three

[HighVisDan]: 17:06

you're one bad

[HighVisCaden]: 17:07

wolves.

[HighVisDan]: 17:07

trip away from Walmart. Like you're one random encounter at Walmart away from losing the love of your life to somebody else.

[HighVisCullen]: 17:15

Oh no.

[HighVisDan]: 17:15

Think about that. Now the review for this item. Given five stars, it reads, this item has wolves on it, which makes it intrinsically sweet and worthy of five stars by itself. But once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Walmart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to howl at the moon from time to time if you catch my drift. Oh yes, oh yes, get your chemo bags ready, it gets worse. The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and or give them money for something they called meth. I told them no because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly, a man with a wolf shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes across his path. I arrived at Walmart mounted on my courtesy scooter. Walking is such a drag. Sitting side saddle so that the wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear a roused asthmatic breathing behind me. Oh yes. I turned to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me that she liked the wolves on my shirt. God, I hate, I suck at reading.

[HighVisCullen]: 18:50

No shit.

[HighVisDan]: 18:51

The wolves on my shirt. I told her that I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig of her Mountain Dew and I drove my scooter as she shuffled alongside the scooter to the door, out the door and to the rest of our lives. Thank you, wolf shirt. Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women. Cons, only three wolves.

[HighVisCullen]: 19:14

No, only three.

[HighVisCaden]: 19:15

God only three walls.

[HighVisCullen]: 19:18

That's crazy.

[HighVisDan]: 19:19

The asthmatic breathing, sweatpants, flip-flops, courtesy scooter, it's just, it's exactly what I think when I see a shirt like that. It's amazing.

[HighVisCullen]: 19:33

Now if only

[HighVisDan]: 19:33

It's,

[HighVisCullen]: 19:33

we had

[HighVisDan]: 19:33

it's...

[HighVisCullen]: 19:33

a person who could read above a fifth grade reading level, you know, read it.

[HighVisDan]: 19:37

Yeah, well, it's hilarious. I can read pretty well, like, to myself, but to read aloud, it's like, Jesus, my mouth is not as fast as my eyes. But yeah,

[HighVisCaden]: 19:45

I have found

[HighVisDan]: 19:46

it's...

[HighVisCaden]: 19:47

the smallest reviews I could find. Like, I won't fuck

[HighVisDan]: 19:50

Right,

[HighVisCaden]: 19:50

these

[HighVisDan]: 19:51

yeah.

[HighVisCaden]: 19:51

up.

[HighVisDan]: 19:53

We are, that's a cat tail.

[HighVisCaden]: 19:56

Good job.

[HighVisCullen]: 19:57

If

[HighVisDan]: 19:58

When I,

[HighVisCullen]: 19:58

you got

[HighVisDan]: 19:59

I saw

[HighVisCullen]: 19:59

long

[HighVisDan]: 19:59

this.

[HighVisCullen]: 19:59

ones, you can just send them to me and I will read it happily.

[HighVisDan]: 20:02

Okay. I thought of how everybody sees the tap out shirt and has that one, like, what do you call that? A stigma or whatever, or like a judgment about tap out shirts and people who wear them,

[HighVisCullen]: 20:17

Yes,

[HighVisDan]: 20:17

that's what those

[HighVisCullen]: 20:18

I don't

[HighVisDan]: 20:18

shirts

[HighVisCullen]: 20:18

think...

[HighVisDan]: 20:19

I have

[HighVisCullen]: 20:19

when

[HighVisDan]: 20:19

for

[HighVisCullen]: 20:19

was

[HighVisDan]: 20:19

that.

[HighVisCullen]: 20:19

the last time you saw a tap out shirt?

[HighVisDan]: 20:22

I know they all got made fun of until they all went recluse. They still

[HighVisCullen]: 20:25

They

[HighVisDan]: 20:26

have

[HighVisCullen]: 20:26

burned

[HighVisDan]: 20:26

them.

[HighVisCullen]: 20:26

them

[HighVisDan]: 20:26

They

[HighVisCullen]: 20:26

all.

[HighVisDan]: 20:26

wear them in their home. Behind closed doors.

[HighVisCullen]: 20:29

My wife knows I'm badass.

[HighVisDan]: 20:31

That's right.

[HighVisCaden]: 20:34

Hey honey,

[HighVisCullen]: 20:35

Jesus.

[HighVisCaden]: 20:35

how about you want to try to sleep with George St. Pierre and.

[HighVisCullen]: 20:40

God

[HighVisCaden]: 20:43

Oh yeah.

[HighVisCullen]: 20:43

that's probably a fighting

[HighVisDan]: 20:44

That's rough.

[HighVisCullen]: 20:44

guy.

[HighVisCaden]: 20:46

You know who George St. Peter is?

[HighVisCullen]: 20:48

I bet he's a fighting guy.

[HighVisCaden]: 20:50

He is a fighting guy. I have a really short one for these WMA blue Amazon Kindle waterproof case cover protective bag pouch.

[HighVisCullen]: 21:03

Fucking what? Could you say that one more time?

[HighVisCaden]: 21:06

WMA

[HighVisDan]: 21:06

Three times

[HighVisCaden]: 21:06

Blue

[HighVisDan]: 21:06

fast.

[HighVisCaden]: 21:06

Amazon Kindle Waterproof Case Cover Protective Bag Pouch.

[HighVisCullen]: 21:11

So it's a thing that covers a Kindle.

[HighVisCaden]: 21:14

Yes, it's supposed to be a waterproof bag.

[HighVisCullen]: 21:16

Okay.

[HighVisCaden]: 21:17

Had to have been cheap because this person gave it five stars. Let's see, titled Hoping it. Hoping it would be crap, her kindle would slip out and electrocute her.

[HighVisCullen]: 21:31

Jesus

[HighVisCaden]: 21:31

He says,

[HighVisCullen]: 21:32

Christ.

[HighVisCaden]: 21:33

he said, got this from got this for my mother in law for bath time, hoping it'd be crap. Her kindle was about an electrocuter. So far, this bloody thing is staying in one piece. Great for waterproof kindling. Crap for murder. So

[HighVisCullen]: 21:48

Listen,

[HighVisCaden]: 21:48

if you plan on not

[HighVisCullen]: 21:49

that's.

[HighVisCaden]: 21:49

killing somebody, get them a waterproof Kindle bag. Get them a WMA Blue Amazon Kindle waterproof case cover protective bag pouch. They will live in bath time.

[HighVisCullen]: 22:01

Do you think that dropping a kindle in your bath would actually even hurt you?

[HighVisDan]: 22:08

Probably

[HighVisCaden]: 22:08

No.

[HighVisDan]: 22:08

not.

[HighVisCullen]: 22:09

Like, even, I don't, what are the chances that something, you drop something in the bath and it actually discharges like any amount of electricity?

[HighVisDan]: 22:18

Well, I mean,

[HighVisCaden]: 22:18

If

[HighVisDan]: 22:18

if

[HighVisCaden]: 22:18

it

[HighVisDan]: 22:18

you

[HighVisCaden]: 22:18

was

[HighVisDan]: 22:18

went

[HighVisCaden]: 22:18

plugged

[HighVisDan]: 22:18

old

[HighVisCaden]: 22:19

into

[HighVisDan]: 22:19

school

[HighVisCaden]: 22:19

the

[HighVisDan]: 22:19

like

[HighVisCaden]: 22:19

wall,

[HighVisDan]: 22:19

a toaster...

[HighVisCaden]: 22:19

maybe.

[HighVisDan]: 22:20

Yeah.

[HighVisCullen]: 22:21

Yeah, well that, but like, just like as far as things that you would reasonably have in the bath, not a toaster.

[HighVisDan]: 22:27

You don't want toast

[HighVisCaden]: 22:28

What

[HighVisDan]: 22:28

in your

[HighVisCaden]: 22:28

if

[HighVisDan]: 22:28

bath,

[HighVisCaden]: 22:28

I like

[HighVisDan]: 22:28

bro?

[HighVisCullen]: 22:29

I do, but

[HighVisCaden]: 22:30

perfectly

[HighVisCullen]: 22:30

I'd probably make

[HighVisCaden]: 22:30

toasted

[HighVisCullen]: 22:30

it before.

[HighVisCaden]: 22:31

bread in the morning?

[HighVisCullen]: 22:33

Like, again, first off, why are we take no one takes a bath ever. Nope. People don't take baths. Second, just make the toast like you wouldn't have butter then or jelly

[HighVisDan]: 22:46

How do you know?

[HighVisCullen]: 22:46

or whatever. I would imagine your bathtub is not also a refrigerator and or spice cabinet.

[HighVisDan]: 22:56

I also didn't

[HighVisCaden]: 22:56

But

[HighVisDan]: 22:56

realize

[HighVisCaden]: 22:56

you know,

[HighVisDan]: 22:57

that you were poor, but whatever.

[HighVisCaden]: 23:00

they make like.

[HighVisCullen]: 23:01

I don't even got the shower to the shower refrigerator

[HighVisCaden]: 23:05

but then make like tables to put in your bathtub. Did you know

[HighVisCullen]: 23:09

Yeah, but like, again,

[HighVisCaden]: 23:11

that? There you go.

[HighVisCullen]: 23:11

do you need the table so you can hold your toaster?

[HighVisCaden]: 23:15

Yeah.

[HighVisCullen]: 23:19

You don't.

[HighVisDan]: 23:19

Cry

[HighVisCullen]: 23:19

This is...

[HighVisDan]: 23:20

it and get back to us, Cullen.

[HighVisCullen]: 23:21

America has gone too far. The whites

[HighVisDan]: 23:25

No.

[HighVisCullen]: 23:25

are

[HighVisDan]: 23:25

Make

[HighVisCullen]: 23:25

at it

[HighVisDan]: 23:25

toast

[HighVisCullen]: 23:25

again.

[HighVisDan]: 23:27

while you take a bath and get back to us.

[HighVisCullen]: 23:30

Jesus. Daniel, I believe you are up.

[HighVisDan]: 23:38

Have either of you ever seen that dumb ass horse mask that everyone wears?

[HighVisCaden]: 23:42

Yes.

[HighVisDan]: 23:43

In like old videos and shit like that? It's just a mask of like a horse's face but it's fucking huge. No?

[HighVisCullen]: 23:52

Yes.

[HighVisDan]: 23:52

Excellent. Okay. Um, and it's,

[HighVisCullen]: 23:56

The big floppy

[HighVisDan]: 23:57

there's,

[HighVisCullen]: 23:57

one.

[HighVisDan]: 23:58

yeah, yeah. It's like, it's brown, black nose. It's yeah. I, yeah. The review 5 stars, my transition, my transformation is complete. 5 stars, on a damn horse mask, I love this country. It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have

[HighVisCaden]: 24:21

Hahaha

[HighVisDan]: 24:21

grown to understand

[HighVisCullen]: 24:22

I'm gonna go.

[HighVisDan]: 24:28

and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear that I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others my place, but we will be ready. That is amazing.

[HighVisCaden]: 24:50

hilarious.

[HighVisCullen]: 24:55

I love people that person should like all these people need to do something else with their time. Or do you think these are like right? What if these are just like writers

[HighVisDan]: 25:02

a butcher.

[HighVisCullen]: 25:03

that are like successful and they're just bored? There's like I

[HighVisDan]: 25:06

I'll

[HighVisCullen]: 25:06

just bought

[HighVisDan]: 25:06

see.

[HighVisCullen]: 25:06

a horse mask for my kid's birthday. I'm like, I'm fucking right. A little thing.

[HighVisDan]: 25:10

I'm gonna leave this right this intricate review so some dumbasses on a Midwest podcast will get on there and talk about it. There's a

[HighVisCaden]: 25:17

That

[HighVisDan]: 25:17

picture

[HighVisCaden]: 25:17

was like the

[HighVisDan]: 25:17

of

[HighVisCaden]: 25:17

best

[HighVisDan]: 25:18

somebody

[HighVisCaden]: 25:18

opening.

[HighVisDan]: 25:18

who put this

[HighVisCullen]: 25:22

That's why I like it. That's going to be our tagline. Highly visible. A Midwest podcast. Yes.

[HighVisDan]: 25:29

You're welcome.

[HighVisCullen]: 25:30

We say pop and we like ranch. We also say open.

[HighVisDan]: 25:37

Yeah, you made that clear on the last episode. You're disgusting. You're filthy.

[HighVisCullen]: 25:43

What?

[HighVisDan]: 25:43

your ridiculous

[HighVisCullen]: 25:44

Oh, the ranch?

[HighVisDan]: 25:44

love for ranch.

[HighVisCullen]: 25:46

Listen, don't hate the player. All right. Uno Momento, please.